Are You Really Looking For Love?

Romantic relationships are probably the number one topic of interest among any age group. On any given day we can go online and see a meme about how they drive us crazy (especially when Mercury is in retrograde), how a real relationship is measured, and a whole laundry list of do's and don'ts that we are all guilty of violating at some point in our lives. With all the societal pressure of getting married and having children by a certain age like it is some sort of an accomplishment, most of our peers eventually convince themselves that they need to settle down. And while our brains are most certainly hardwired for meaningful social interaction, the question must still be asked: Are you really looking for love?

         When is the last time you've hugged someone? Like really really hugged someone. From a kiss, to a tight hug, to a few hours of great sex, meaningful physical interactions flood our brains with a hormone called Oxytocin. Famously known as the "love hormone", oxytocin makes us feel good. So good that sometimes our bodies respond to people in a way that goes against what we logically want and see for ourselves. So you saying that man put a spell on you or that woman must have put something in the food she served you COULD be correct, but it could also be the love hormone rearranging your perception of him/her.

         Besides our brains being strongly affected by hormones there is also the allure of the "in love" phase. If you're into reading, there is a book we are sure you have heard of: 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. In this super informative book the author talks about the early stage of a relationship calling it the in love phase. You know when you just start dating that person and they can do no wrong and you agree about almost 95% of the topics you talk about? Yeah, the in love phase. We all go through this phase, which lasts a few months at least. Comparable to the beginner's luck of starting a business, this phase in a relationship can trick us into thinking a real connection doesn't require a lot of work and maintenance. But they do. Gary recommends we DO NOT do anything too forward in this time, like propose or get pregnant. After the in love phase is over, we sober up and begin to see the person's less attractive qualities, then the real work begins.

            Contrary to popular belief, how we see our partner has more to do with how we see ourselves than anything else. This is why the work to obtain and maintain healthy relationships is so challenging; which brings us to a Rumi quote Dr. Jessica Clemons shared on her IG live session Jan 19th 2019:

            "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." -Rumi

         Barriers. Off the top of your head, can you think of any barriers you may have created within yourself that keep you from truly experiencing love? One of the most common barriers we have is the type of person we keep choosing. There was an amazing tweet floating around about a conversation between two friends. One friend said "I keep attracting bad boys" and the other friend had a brilliant response saying "You attract all types of men, you just keep choosing the bad ones". Not sure who that friend is but she's definitely on her healing journey, and she knows it. Too often we choose a person that reminds us of someone we used to date, even though that relationship didn't end well. There is something that person brings to the table that we are almost addicted to, and as a result we walk around looking for our next hit. Relationships that are toxic are ways the Universe/Source/God screams at us "Hey! This needs healing". No matter how much we pray for a good man or woman, nothing will change until we decide to choose differently. There are so many other barriers we build against ourselves that we could talk about them for the next few blogs and we still wouldn't have scratched the surface. Let's dialogue more in the comments!

         Ultimately every single relationship we have is a mirror, reflecting what we think and feel about ourselves. As our awareness continues to grow we can take more responsibility for how we view everyone around us, especially the person(s) we are intimate with. With the Social Healer brand want you to make decisions that contribute to your elevation and put you in a better position to win in life. When we make those choices, we are really choosing to embrace our true self, the SELF that is beyond all the pain, fear, and anxiety we experience from time to time. Always remember that self awareness is the gateway to self love. The more confident we become in who we are, the more self love wins. So if you are really looking for love, start with yourself!

Keep healing!

Me And The Homies

  DEAR BLACK MEN, WE LOVE YOU.

Hopefully you read the other piece about how we LOVE black women. This is the other side of the coin, a companion piece if you will. Now we know it is popular to talk about how men aint shit and itemize all the ways we are messing up. Much of the points are valid, but as we do with all topics here, we need to put the lens of awareness on why men in general, and black men specifically, are the way they are.

    Before we dig too deep into this, it is important that we can all agree that masculine energy is fundamental to being balanced, and that men much of the time are the physical embodiment of masculine energy, though not always in the healthiest form. What does it mean to be a man? What are the expectations that come with being a man? With women? With other men? These are all the questions we will explore throughout this post.

    What is a man? A huge distinction that must be made here at the outset is that one of the main traits of a MAN is being someone that is able to provide safety for his family: emotionally, mentally, physically, and of course spiritually. The only way someone is able to be up to this task is if they roll up their sleeves and get to work on themselves, pushing themselves to grow into who they need to be. The work required to be fully men many times escapes us because we haven’t had the best models growing up; no one told us the areas where we fell short, and if they did tell us it was in a way we weren’t receptive to for whatever reason. Men and women are socialized differently, with women being encouraged to be more introspective and caring, while men are instructed more in how NOT to be, than how to be. Men are discouraged from articulating their feelings; talking about how you feel, especially in some of the harsher hoods, puts a target on your back. You’re soft. There are people like Daoud Abeid (@daoudsun) and places like The Cave of Adullam (@cave313) who are working with men to try and dismantle those narratives that block us from our greatness.

    It is very difficult to deny the fact that black people in general, and black men specifically are the most feared and hunted people on the planet. Given this, it comes as no surprise that black men make up a disproportionate percentage of the prison system. What happens to the family when the father is removed from the home? Here are some Pew stats:

1. 4x greater risk for poverty

2. Girls are 7x more likely to become a teen mom

3. Children more likely to have behavioral problems (especially boys)

4. Children are more likely to go to prison or commit a crime

    There have also been psychological studies that looked at the relationship between the father’s presence in the home and young girls' menstruation cycle, concluding that the more a girl feels secure and protected by her father, the later in her teenhood her period will come.

    We have to address the issue of many men not having the emotional intelligence needed to be their best selves. For black men, most of us grow up looking up to the local dope boy, or the uncle who garnered all the attention from everyone’s mom and auntie. These examples very rarely had the emotional awareness to impart any real game to the young boys on how to become whole and healthy men. As a result we are usually left with men who are emotionally feral, looking for power, attention, and love in all the wrong places. When life brings this type of man in contact with a potential wife, it can start out great, but in time it becomes a gumbo of emotional abuse, miscommunication and confusion. We have to go back to the drawing board and see which types of relationships are working and how power circulates in these instances. For too long we have been adopting the European model of relationships, marriage, and family, and it has not been working for us. To our detriment we have been looking at how white men conduct themselves, viewing it as powerful, adopting it, and oppressing our women and families as a result. An important point to make about relationship models is the fact that during American chattel slavery the power dynamics between enslaved men and women were more egalitarian, or balanced. This type of power model also brings us back to the said GOLDEN times of our ancient past where the divine masculine and divine feminine were balanced and whole.

    Black man, you are a king; and although you may not be acknowledged as such, it is important to conduct YOURSELF as the lord and master of YOURSELF. Dr. Naim Akbar said it perfectly when he said “You must first be a king of your own personal kingdom. If you can't lead that kingdom on your own two feet, you can't lead a bigger kingdom”.  Our women are looking to us to be the example of stability and discipline; first and foremost with ourselves. Too often we want women to submit to us simply because we are a man, but that viewpoint is the inherited toxicity we have learned from a society that is still in its infancy spiritually and emotionally.

    We didn’t create the circumstances that leave us at a disadvantage, but we can own our power and work to fix our stuff and heal. We need our brothers to hold us accountable for our actions and remind us of our greatness. When it comes to race relations and racism, we know that change will not truly happen until white people really start challenging their own friends and families to dismantle the ideas that keep racism going. Similarly, our communities will not improve until the men challenge the men to be better. The women are tired bruh.

    So next time you are with the homies, don’t forget to bring this up; if we are KINGS, we gotta level up and be KINGS. No one is going to do it for us. There are so many moving parts to our oppression and suppression that we cannot control, but we can control how we show up for one another. No man is ever too big to not get checked by his boy, and when we do it with love, it makes everything that much more powerful. Let's be the change we want to see. 

 Dear Black Men, We Love You.

Dear Black Woman, We Love You

There have been a lot of conversations over the last couple of years around White privilege as an idea and also what it looks like in action in society. Privilege can be easily understood as an advantage, making white privilege the advantage people have in society when they are looked at as or classified as white. The way this privilege shows up in society is that whiteness comes with many assumptions, most of which are advantageous to white people while at the same time working against everyone else, further widening the gap between people economically and socially. White privilege is easy for most people who are not white to identify, and almost always sparks a heated conversation with both sides holding firm to their ideas and perspectives. It is important to note that the pinnacle of white privilege is white MALE privilege, the male part being the piece that permeates all other groups of people.

      Each ethnic group is a microcosm of the larger society. With that said, we should find that male privilege in these groups is intimately linked to white privilege in general and white male privilege specifically. The #metoo movement has almost every man feeling like he needs to defend himself against the tidal wave of mistreatment claims made by an overwhelming amount of women. In these times though, the defensiveness is causing men to double down on what they believe manhood is, which is unfortunately in many ways the same exact version of manhood women are challenging. How do we move out of this stalemate between the sexes?

     A large part of expanding our awareness around a topic is seeking information on the subject. Beyond all the complaints voiced by women about cat calls, discrimination and other types of harassment, which are all valid issues, there are still other systemic problems that keep women as second class citizens. One of the most known issues is the unequal pay rates between men and women.   In 2019, it is ridiculous that women still make cents to the white male dollar. Here are the numbers:

1. Black women- 63 cents

2. Hispanic women- 54 cents

3. Asian women- 85 cents

4. White women- 79 cents 

    This alone speaks to what many women are calling toxic masculinity; a type of masculinity that instead of elevating femininity, degrades it. With all that women in general and black women specifically endure, we as a society still make it our business to prioritize men’s feelings. Why? What can we do to change this?

         Just like we as black people would appreciate for white people to use their privilege to speak up and act against the injustices of the system, we as black men have to use our privilege as well to work to heal the imbalance between men and women in our community. When black men feel stressed and oppressed we have the option of leaning into our manhood, because we know that is a place of power. We are often ignorant to the fact that when we lean in too hard to being what we think a man is, we become misguided and align ourselves with the type of masculinity that is oppressing our women. Black women have historically always come to the aid of black men, and that energy isn’t always reciprocated, but that is changing. For people who study, they know that for every Trayvon Martin there is a Renisha McBride. Too often our women feel they have nowhere to turn because the society oppresses both her blackness and womanhood.

     If you ask the average aware and conscious man, they will tell you they don't mean to be oppressive. Too often we as men see words and actions from women as an attack on our manhood that are actually the opposite; they are meant to build us up and help us grow. Something as common as our lady complaining about our lack of consistency is not an attack on our manhood, it is our beloved queen letting us know that the man she knows us to be, is consistent. He means what he says. He always shows up as his best. The feminine force is always going to upgrade its environment, ALWAYS. If we really want to level up, we have to do a better job at supporting our women, PUBLICLY and PRIVATELY. 

    Can all the real men please stand up? The men whose masculinity isn’t threatened in these times. The men who know the scales are tipped in their favor and are not afraid of what a world with BALANCE looks like. The men that don't shame women for embracing their sensuality because it isn't packaged for male consumption. Let’s listen to the women in our lives, listen to their experiences, their fears and hurts. Let’s raise our daughters and nieces to see value in themselves. A great quote to end this is a quote from Michelle Obama when she spoke at the Obama foundation Summit in Chicago in 2017:

      “We LOVE our boys and we RAISE our girls, we raise them to be strong, and sometimes we take care not to hurt men. And I think we pay for that a little bit”.

    So with that said we think it is important to say: Dear Black woman, WE LOVE YOU.